I Present to You the Best I Can Offer

I Present to You the Best I Can Offer

I cast within myself the questions that refine my knowledge. I am distancing myself from myself in a way I cannot describe. Something beautiful remains alive, even as I notice the dead shells of my skin in transformation. I still find myself clinging, in no hurry to return to the starting point from which I departed. I feel in my soul an inexplicable force guiding my steps, throwing me from side to side, embracing friendly encounters, and reconnecting with people and situations from my past. Yet, I confess I do not know if this will be my last life on Earth, as I find myself repeating actions, reliving wounds, leaving doors open with no goodbyes. Understand me; do not read me harshly, but perhaps your reasons for living are not mine. I feel attachment and detachment. I feel incomplete, understood in a misunderstood way, open in a closed way: living the present, relinquishing the past, and without long-term plans for the future. Something in me senses how my end will be, how I will abandon this body, breathing for the last time, without regrets; crossing once more through death’s door with good omens for what I assume awaits.

I have no strong ties to my blood family, even though I feel responsible for choosing the cradle in which I was born. I feel emancipated from home and religion. I do not fear living life the way I believe I should, for I recognize the Law to which all gods and mortals are subject. I recognize what life can offer me and receive it with gratitude. I have learned to see myself as free, yet I still see myself bound to impulsive animal instincts, teetering on the edge of addiction and enslavement. I cannot live solely for myself, nor can I fall into the fallacy that life is a constant battle. I do not fight against others; I fight against the animal claiming space within the human... Until I give up, observe, retreat, and close myself off. I feel this darkness creeping, little by little, into the empty spaces of my mind. Then I embrace my shadows so the light will not extinguish, and within this earthly duality, I absolve myself of the crimes I committed and forgive myself, for I am my own judge.

I do not pray to the God in the sky, because I feel the God within me, closer, answering me if I know and recognize His voice. I open the doors of my consciousness and elevate my spiritual state. I know I live in this world without friends or enemies, stepping on questionable physical ground, breathing this air that keeps me alive, while it ages my skin and, over time, decays my body. Please do not misread me again, but perhaps you will not understand my writings, because I do not write to be understood, but to vomit what I think and feel. And perhaps I do pretend – as my favorite poet says – but the pain I pretend to feel is the one hidden within you and me. Thus, I share these spat-out words, with hope that contradicts what I expect, punishing what I adulterate, mixing seawater with river water.

This is what I present to you. I see myself as a cow in the vast pasture of Earth, aware of how I am fed, what is made of my flesh, how my milk is exploited, and none of this stops me from being what I was programmed to be, becoming the best version of what I can offer. Because I cannot live without you, recognizing that we are all one being. Until religions dissociate and are no longer capable of reuniting or reconnecting to the primordial essence that built all and will destroy all. Do not cling to anything, neither your virtues nor your shortcomings. I speak of a body that dies and write with fingers that refuse to accept the existence of luck.